Growing up in church, I always heard about God’s unconditional love. As a child, I was taught that God’s unconditional love meant that God would love me no matter what I did. Back then, that was enough.
However, no one ever explained what God’s unconditional love really meant. As I got older, the disconnect between my heart and my head became more apparent, and it became more of a problem. I didn’t understand that it was not enough to know in my head that God loved me, but that I also needed to believe it in my heart.
In my head, I never doubted God’s love for me. My heart, on the other hand, believed that I didn’t deserve to be loved by God and was not worthy of Him.
More often than not, my heart won the battle. And I began to tell myself I needed to earn God’s love, the same way I felt I had to earn everyone else’s love.
All of that changed this summer. God used Love Thy Neighborhood to reveal the strength and the depth of His love for me. Many times, He used the people I was surrounded by to show me His love. My friends in LTN constantly encouraged me to do the things that I was scared to do, like volunteering to translate at an eye clinic. They didn’t let me get away with saying everything was fine when I was having a bad day. They didn’t abandon me when I tried to push them away, instead, they pushed back.
If there was ever a moment of doubt of God’s love, something would happen. It was like God was giving me a little tap on my shoulder reminding me that He was there, whether it was seeing a butterfly or having a good conversation with a friend.
I was given the most beautiful picture of God’s love.
But the summer had to come to an end. I had to come back to school. I didn’t get the luxury of easing back into the routine. Everything took off quickly. I felt overwhelmed with all of the things I had to do, and that was before classes even got started. That should’ve tipped me off that I needed to get rid of something; instead I convinced myself that I could handle it.
First week went by and I was already in over my head and sacrificing things like eating and sleeping to get everything done. Classes had even taken a backseat to all of my other obligations with clubs and work. I had too many things to do and not enough time to do it all. I was living like it was the week before finals, but it was only syllabus week– the week that is supposed to be easy and time for socializing with friends.
My emotions took control, and I lost sight of what I learned this summer. I forgot to take the time to breathe. I forgot that it is okay to admit that everything is not fine. I forgot that it is okay to ask friends for help. I forgot how to look for God’s love in the everyday moments. I forgot all of this until I realized how insane it was that I was already stressed to the point of tears every day, because my brain couldn’t handle everything I was trying to do.
In Louisville, when I had moments I lost sight of God’s love there was something there to remind me immediately. I didn’t have the chance to run from it.
Now that I am outside of the LTN bubble, I have to make the conscious decision every day to choose to see God’s love for me. I have to remind myself that it is not something I have to earn. I have to take a step back from all the busyness and stress and remember that His love is freely given to me. All I have to do is stop long enough to receive it.
“The bottom line is that Perfect Love meets me where I am and asks only that I open my heart and receive the love for which I long.” – David G. Benner, Surrender to Love