The idea of healing terrified me for a long time. I was comfortable carrying the weight of buried emotions that manifested in depression and anxiety. I taught myself how to function while constantly feeling like I was drowning. I was miserable, but at least I knew the misery. Healing was unknown territory.
I know being scared of healing sounds strange. Essentially it boils down to being afraid of change and not being in control.
The fear kept me stuck. I thought I was in control, but it controlled me.
Nothing changed until I became more afraid of not healing. I knew I was stuck in a downward spiral, and I saw where it would lead. The unknowns of healing suddenly didn’t seem as scary. The shift in fear gave me the motivation to start the work of healing.
I have made a lot of progress. I’m at a place in my life that High School Allie never would have imagined—a seminary student, engaged, and actually living life. Some days I’m still shocked at what my life currently looks like. I find myself struggling with a new fear though, or maybe the old fear has evolved. Either way, I have something to lose now.
The progress I have made isn’t cemented in stone. I’m still out in the middle of the ocean. I know how to tread water better now. It doesn’t mean that I always get it right or that I don’t have anything left to learn. Healing isn’t linear. There’s success and setbacks.
Because I have come so far, the setbacks are scary. I am afraid of going so far backwards that I end up in the downward spiral again. I’m afraid of the potential consequences. I’m afraid I won’t be able to crawl out of the hole.
Many things in my life have changed recently, so this new fear is gaining strength. The changes are exciting and overwhelming. Its all happening quickly, having the time to process is hard. It’s the perfect scenario for a huge setback if I am not careful.
There is a part of me that wants to give into the fear, so that I can be in control of the inevitable downfall. Even though I know I won’t be in control of anything—fear will.
Or I can choose to allow fear to serve a good purpose. I can be honest about it and let it drive me closer to the One who is really in control. I can let it remind me of my dependence on God and find peace and healing in Him.
“Fear is the beginning of wisdom. The recognition of our deep limitations that comes from admitted fear is the awakening of our need for God and others.”
Chip Dodd, The Voice of the Heart